I'm pretty sure potty training twins is like childbirth. It's gross, it's painful, and you always think you have it under control- until you don't. I've been laxidazically potty training as of late. They're good during the day, they go potty on their own or with a little reminder. We rarely have any daytime accidents. So I felt like we had passed a major hurdle there... only to see that there are 5 million more hurdles left! Now there's keeping the kids dry during naptime! And let's not forget that big space of time known as bedtime!
I see it all as a musical: in four acts.
Act One: Getting Aggressive and Running into it- With Manuals!
There are lots of potty training manuals and experts consulted. A myriad of actors dressed in boxy book costumes march around, back and forth, in the background. Friends and relatives (even strangers at the park) offer up their own "tried and true" method. These people are eventually called to cry over why there is pee all over the rug and to inquire exactly why these tried and true "methods" are not working. This act features lots of tuba music while the laundry runs, Stanley of the Steemer enters and exits many a time, there's stomping with light swearing, and ends with a realization that the kid(s) just "aren't ready yet."
The ushers let the audience out to buy some snacks and popcorn- while the mountains of brand new, yet now permanently stained, panties are packed away. Those that were once gleefully piled onto the checkout belt on day one.
Act Two: Actual Potty Training- with bonus "outing" featurette!
Everyone has already been through a lot. There is a sad bellowing solo by the washing machine about being overworked and underpaid. No longer does the gag reflex rear its nasty head at the sight of child's excrement. In fact, it is talked about it all. the. time. Multiple strangers are grossed out on a daily basis... the multiple childless strangers, that is. But the kids can go places! In panties! With nary a wetting! There's a duet in which the deep rooted fear of public restrooms is overcome. (a little bit)
"Oh, public restroom! I beg you to be clean! And perchance have an empty handicapped stall!"
"Oh, frightened moooother! Do not beeee afraid! I know you have the Purrrrell! And besides... Your kid reeeeeally needs to pee!"
The curtain closes. The audience assumes the show is done, and gets up to leave. The kids are "potty trained!" Thwonk! (big red stamp sound) Objective completed.
Act Three: But what about Naps!
Just as the first person reaches the door to leave, the audience is shocked by a vibrant dance number done by colorful sheets.
"Put the sheets on! Take the sheets off! Maneuver around the stuffed animals and bed raaaaails! Put the sheets on! Take the sheets ooooooff!"
Spotlight shines on a lonely mother:
"Buuuut I thought I was doooone!" she wistfully croons as she accepts her fate and heads back to scrub the naptime mess.
A parade marches on stage accompanied after back to back series of dry naptimes! Candy corn (our latest bribing tool) is thrown by the pound into the awaiting and exuberant audience. (Mmmm, candy corn! I'm hiding in the wings inhaling the sweet treats)
Act Four: Things that Go Poop in the Night!
The red velvety curtain opens to introduce a new character!
Enter: Pull Ups training pants.
Exit: Any extra cash that may or may not have been just lying around.
(seriously- compared to diapers, these pull ups are muy expensivo!)
Then the lights go down, a fog machine churns out mountains of dreary and foreboding fog. A masked and cloaked character slinks across the stage. "You know you want to!" He whispers, "You know you want to try just one night without the safety net of the Pull Ups." (dum dum duuuuum!)
The mother forcedly looks away, trying to ignore this sneaky pest. Yet she cannot resist. The delicious idea of a constantly pantied set of twins is all too appealing. That blissful land of milk and honey. Where rosebuds grow under the feet of happy children and sing songing mother. The swell of happy and glorious tones is interrupted as...
...the washer and dryer storm the stage! "Don't listen to that trickster! For he doth deceive you! The mother hangs her head in resolved shame. "Let us paint you a picture with reality's cruel brushstrokes!"
"You enjoy your sleep, miss! A two a.m. waking to change and wash sheets may just kiiiill you!"
(and yes, in my own personal musical, I am a MISS! Not a Ma'am)
"Would waking to a nighttime horror scene make for a large headache over breakfast? We submit to you that yeeesss! Yes it would!"
"Your husband would be dashing out the door! The HazMat team you are sure should handle this type of calamity would be but a dreaaaam! Wuh oh, no, no, nooo oh!"
Then two guys dressed in black walk to center stage holding large cards with To Be Continued written in large lettering.
Come back, soon! It looks like the writer has a surprise yet to be announced 5th act up her sleeve! And you'll have to pay for another ticket to see the rest. Pre-orders will be taken at the door! So long! Good bye!