On Pain

I must admit something to you, dear readers. I have been avoiding you. I can completely say with 100% assurance that it is me. Not you. Things have shattered down around me in the past couple weeks- the culmination of which was yesterday at our first of four specialist doctor's appointments for the twins. It has been a very trying time for me. And for pretty much the first time in my entire life I have wanted nothing more than to simply lock myself in a closet, never to emerge. And that's why I've been "phoning it in." I've let my Reader reach catastrophic numbers, I've been checking only the most vital of emails, and I've done the bare minimum of everything else, just ensuring that people know I'm still alive. I've never felt pain this intense. Which is surprising, because this has been a really crap year for me! Can I give you a piece of advice? Never tell yourself things can't get any worse. That is pretty much  daring the universe. You don't want to dare the universe. The universe plays for keeps.

These past two days (has it only been two days?!) have felt like an unbearable eternity. I've dealt with more than my fair share of medical Chutes and Ladders in my little existence. But I have never had a medical professional lay it all out on the table as our first specialist did yesterday. I'm used to being the neurotic mother whom doctors constantly need to reassure that everything is fine. Unfortunately for us, everything does not seem to be fine. We have no answers, yet. A lot of ideas and things to Google (hint: do not Google things. It never turns out well)
I did however, take one of the twins in for lab work today. I saw the look on the lab tech's face. It was pity. There were too many vials to count. I'd seen the names of these tests on shows like House and Grey's Anatomy. (although it was disheartening when one of the techs needed to look up Karyotype)

I know what I am staring down at. The most benign of the possibilities is still a really big deal. Don't get me wrong- I will take it! In a heartbeat I will take the best of the worst scenario! However the diagnostic process turns out, our lives will be forever changed.

That leaves me walking around with a gigantic, yet invisible wound pouring sorrow and pain from my heart. I have been avoiding this, dear readers. If I tell you, then it's real. It's not just something I can store away in my dresser drawer until the next doctor's appointment.

Who am I kidding, I can't do that anyway! I'm a big heap of mess! I simply do not know how to function with the knowledge that my children are fighting something.  Something big and scary. Something I have no control over. Something that will remain nameless until all the blood tests are in, all the specialists are seen, and I am presented with a name. A diagnosis. The waiting is all consuming.

Watching my precious little daughters sitting in each doctor's office, Emergency Room, and exam table. It is ripping me apart. The watching. Their ocean blue eyes looking at the doctors, the pretty art on the wall, the florescent lights shining through a picture of clouds, oblivious as to what is really going on. Doctors are the nice fun people we get to meet who have awesome fish in their waiting rooms! It's all an adventure. Then they go back to playing with toys while the grown ups spout their normal boring grown up talk. I am forced to use my sing song voice when all I want to do is collapse on the floor and cry until the tears stop. The tears seem to be never ending. How do these other parents do it? How do you not completely fall apart at times like this?


  1. OH. MY. GOSH. I am seriously bawling just reading this, and I don't even know what's going on. I wish I was there. I'd come right over and give you a hug and kiss your sweet kids. And I'd give Logan a haircut, 'cause I'm sure he needs one. :) I want you to know that your family will continue to stay in my prayers and in our family prayers. If you want to talk or vent or just cry, I would love to be there for you. I hope that you start getting answers and that things start looking up. Love you Ashley!

  2. Oh so sorry for you and the family. We will be praying for you . . .lots and lots! Keep us posted,

  3. Ashley...my heart is breaking. I am so sad to hear you are going through all this right now. My kids are my whole world and I know you feel the same about yours so I can't even begin to imagine where you are at right now emotionally, physically, and mentally. No matter what happens I hope you know you are such an amazing Mom and they are so lucky to have you there to fight for them and love them. I wish I lived closer so that I could be more supportive but please know I am here if you need anything. I will be thinking of and praying for you and your sweet family.

  4. Geez Ashley, this all sounds so scary. You are such a trooper and so are those girls. I can just see their big blue eyes staring out, so trusting and sweet. I want to just give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be alright, but that's not possible right now. I can tell you that we here in Utah are all praying for you and your family. We love you guys-hang in there and please keep posting.

  5. When all seems lost, my sweet daughter, remember that it's in God's hands. Remember to trust in the Lord. Exercise your faith. Pour your heart out in prayer and the Spirit will console and comfort you. Whatever it is, I know we'll get through it with His help. I love you,

  6. Ashley,
    Saying I'm sorry doesn't seem enough...Your family will be in our prayers.

  7. oh wow hon!!!! that is a LOT to take in!!! oh and the unknown is awful, the situations are just awful!! I'm so so sorry to hear this!!! PLEASE let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do- watch your kiddos while you take one to to the doc or bring you dinner or I can seriously come over one night and you can escape and go get ice cream- take a minute to process this yourself, or I'll bring you ice cream. you and your sweet family are in our prayers!!! love you guys!!!

  8. I am also praying for your family at this trying time. I think that you are handling everything very well considering how much you are dealing with right now. Please let me know how and when I can help! XOXO

  9. Wow...there are no words that can comfort you when you're hurting for your children. I know that, but still have to say that I'm so sorry y'all are going through such a hard time. Praying for your sweet girls!!