Dear Waste Disposal Attendants,
Hi! It's me, the house with a trash can that always reeks of poop. Sorry about the smell. We just have a lot of poop around here. In diapers, mostly. If you think it's bad out there, just imagine what life is like for those inside the house! Also, thanks for looking the other way when you turn the corner to find mountains of empty Diet Coke containers... and empty doughnut boxes. I would like to blame it on the neighbors. (no single household could possibly consume that much soda and doughnuts- right?) Anyway, thanks for not judging me. You're the best. I'm sure you've noticed the large Huggies boxes- so clearly, you see what I'm dealing with. (in two different sizes!)
I am undoubtedly grateful for your willingness to witness and dispose of the underbelly of our household. You are truly an invaluable member of our entire operation. Many thanks.
Anyway, back to my point. I was outside last night, with all three children, one in a stroller, and two prancing around in the driveway. I was cursed with inadequate tools, which was balanced by a surplus of determination... the remains of my efforts have been, unfortunately, left up to you. I have stacked an unusually large amount of robust tree limbs that are at least double my height, and the branches of which match the circumference of my arms in front of our normal waste containment system. (which is also overflowing with smaller timber deposits)
But! I will have you note- I did tie it all together! You may not be able to notice the green wire, I assure you it is somewhat secured in a vague bundle. I swear. I know this load may be challenging to throw into the recesses of your massive garbage truck, but I am begging that you somehow manage this feat. I am hoping, with every fiber of my being, that I will no longer have to deal with these obtuse limbs. (especially since I break out in crazy hives after touching them- trimming the tree made for a super-fun night filled with Benadryl. Try executing an hour long bedtime routine with three rambunctious children while under the influence... I dare you)
You see, I am really a hero here. I have successfully saved the planet from the dwelling-inhaling-Mesquite-tree that is rooted in our front yard. It has been on a mission to consume our house ever since it was a sapling. I can only imagine its resulting hunger after devouring our house. Surely it would move on to other structures. Perhaps even digesting the entire continent. So really what I have done should be considered a public service. You're welcome.
And you! You removers of rubbish, have the honor of aiding the cause of freedom from our would-be woodland oppressors. I will be sure you get a mention in the news story. (I'm thinking a headline of: Woman Saves Mankind from Large Scale Tree Engulfment!) It will be epic.
The Lady of the Annoying House with Lots of Diapers... and Now Tree Parts