I put it off. The girls needed a haircut. But getting everyone out of the house, making sure I took a shower before doing so, it all seemed... so strenuous. So I put it off. The next day I scrounged up the energy to get everyone in the car, and as I drove down the street a feeling of heavy dread just washed over me. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to stay at home. So badly. And that scared me a little bit. The desire to turn the car around was oddly intense.
I'm not that person, that homebody. I used to flourish outside my home! I needed to feel a part of the world! (even if that world mostly involved the grocery store and Target) We were always on the go- I always had a list of things I wanted accomplished, a list of errands. But now I'm just exhausted, and it feels like I'm giving up. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything.
This feeling hit me again as we left to go to my Mom's house. I didn't want to leave my house. And now the crazy person in my head- the one who spends too much time on webmd- is convinced I'm coming down with agoraphobia. Even now, I know we are going to need more formula (and soon!) but I just don't want to think about leaving... about getting everything in order to leave. Even if the husband got home early and I could go sans kids- I would still want to snuggle up in bed with 'my stories' sitting there in the DVR.
I'm just so tired. I think more than normal. But really, have I even been close to a normal scale... ever? I really hope it's just stress, or I'm just in a temporary funk. (because really, how can I even think there's a problem. I just had a baby, I just had surgery, I just have had a crazy year) But that won't stop me from worrying about the state of things! Oh, no! I am a worrier! That's what I do. If I have nothing to worry about- I am not alive!
(a second re-read of this post- and I'm sounding a little crazy to myself. That can't be good. And this is certainly something I shouldn't post on the silly internet. But the little cursor is over the "publish post" button all on its own. It's a sign. Post!)